 |
 |
 |
 |
I don't understand where the 'don't have sex before marriage' rule comes from. Is it a sin to have sex before marriage?
Phil
Dear Phil:
From what you hear and see all around you in society, at least in most western societies, especially on television and in the movies and perhaps even among your friends, you probably get the idea that premarital sex is the cool thing to do. For the most part, it has become so acceptable that few people see anything wrong with it or would even begin to question whether it is right or wrong. You obviously do and I am glad someone still asks about it. Anything related to sex is of course a hot topic and a rather controversial one at that. It seems our society is so sexually charged and focused that any discussion can quickly become very tense and nothing more than angry personal attacks rather than an opportunity to reflect, discover and learn.
Now, as Christians we believe that sexuality as such is a good, important and, indeed, beautiful thing. It is supposed to be one of the most intimate and most powerful expressions of love that we know. But if this love should be true and genuine, the sexual act must be more a ‘giving' than a ‘taking'. It should be an act of giving oneself to another for the good of the other, not an act of taking something or rather someone for oneself. It should be an utterly selfless ‘coming together' and ‘being together' where two become, as scripture says, one body and are inseparably united not just in body, but also in spirit, mind and soul. Sex, therefore, is so much more than just simply a physical function. It is the unique and mysterious union of two in one which makes it at the same time one of the most delicate, vulnerable and fragile of all human acts.
The sexual act, most intimate expression of a union, precious and profound, is at the best of times open to self-seeking and self-interest. That is why it requires the protection of lifelong personal commitment and divine assistance, both of which come together in what we call marriage or the sacrament of matrimony. In marriage the two pledge total fidelity to one another until death and in this way establish the best possible environment, however imperfect, for security, stability and shelter without which mutual self-giving on any level, including the sexual one, cannot really develop and flourish.
Apart from being the most intimate, the sexual act is also the most powerful expression of love, which means that in of itself sex is creative. It can create the strongest of human bonds and reaches perfection in the creation of new human life. The sexual act, even if it is not always, by natural design, resulting in the procreation of children, makes husband and wife potential co-operators with the Creator. This very fact should fill us all with a healthy sense of awe and wonder before the mystery of human sexuality and should make us realize what a gift it is, not to be misused, but to be carefully handled.
Sadly, this vision of sex which the Church proposes and defends is often misunderstood and thought of as out of step with modern thinking. However, modern thinking has also discovered in a great many studies that, apart from the considerable danger of sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies or sexual addiction, there seems to be a strange connection between sexual promiscuity and whole host of psychological and social phenomena such as self-centeredness, reliance on things of the senses, low sense of self-worth, declining academic performance, deterioration in social relationships and others. While such connections will forever remain hotly debated, it is safe to say that sex as such, let alone the more casual, unrestrained or abnormal kind has not produced and is not likely to produce the happiness, so many think, sex would bring.
While much more could be said about premarital sex and sexuality in general, I wish to conclude with one last thought. No one will deny that it is not easy for young people to abstain from sex in today's culture. It will require all the strength supplied by prayer and self-discipline. But maybe sex is not as indispensable as so often it is thought to be. As some of the greatest athletes have been quoted as saying, so much of our creative energy that sex seems to demand from the individual engaged in it, could be used in so many other ways such as in anything that can indeed be created: solid relationships and friendships, sports and music, arts and sciences, social justice, indeed a better brighter world.
God bless,
Father Norbert